A rich farmer had been trying desperately to marry off his daughters. One day he met Mulla Nasrudin.

"I have several daughters," the farmer told the Mulla. "I would like to see them comfortably fixed. And I will say this, they won't go to their husbands without a little bit in the bank, either. The youngest one is twenty-three and she will take Rupees 25,000 with her. The next one is thirty-two, and she will take Rupees 50,000 with her. Another is forty-three and she will take Rupees 75,000 with her."

"That's interesting," said Nasrudin. "I was just wondering if you have one about fifty years old."

2

Mulla Nasrudin's family was upset because the girl he was planning to marry was an atheist.

"We'll not have you marrying an atheist," his mother said.

"What can I do? I love her," the young Nasrudin said.

"Well," said his mother, "if she loves you, she will do anything you ask. You should talk religion to her. If you are persistent, you can win her over."

Several weeks went by, then one morning at breakfast the young Mulla seemed absolutely brokenhearted.

"What's the matter?" his mother asked. "I thought you were making such good progress in your talks about religion to your young girlfriend."

The young lady's hopes had been high for two years while Mulla Nasrudin remained silent on the question of marriage. Then one evening he said to her, "I had a most unusual dream last night. I dreamed that I asked to marry you. I wonder what that means."

"THAT MEANS," said his girlfriend, "THAT YOU HAVE MORE SENSE ASLEEP THAN YOU HAVE AWAKE."

Mulla Nasrudin was talking to a friend about his recently broken romance. "Do you mean," asked the friend, "that at her request, you gave up drinking, and smoking, and gambling, and dancing, and playing pool?"

"Yes, just because she insisted," said the Mulla.

"Then why didn't you marry her?" the fellow asked.

Mulla Nasrudin sat fishing in a bucket of water.

A visitor, wishing to be friendly, asked, "How many have you caught?"

One night, Mulla Nasrudin's father noticed a light in his barn. He went to see what it was all about and he found Nasrudin with a lantern, all dressed up.

"What are you doing all dressed up and with that lantern?" asked his father.

"I am going to call on my girlfriend, Dad," said Nasrudin. "I have got to go through the woods and it is dark."

"When I was your age calling on my wife for the first time," said the father, "I went through the woods without a lantern."

. Mulla Nasrudin was drunk and at a football game was making such a nuisance of himself that the people around him threatened to call the police if he didn't sit down and shut up. At that he shouted, "show me a policeman, and I will show you a dope."

The words were no sooner spoken when a big six-foot policeman arrived on the scene and said: "I am a policeman."

The lady contributed to Mulla Nasrudin on crutches, but could not resist the temptation to preach to him.

"It must be terrible to be lame," she said, "but think how much worse it is to be blind."

The young father was pushing the crying baby down the street with what appeared to be absolute calm and self-assurance. People on the street could hear what he was saying as he passed.

"Take it easy, Nasrudin," he said. "Don't let it get you down, Nasrudin, you will soon be safe back home. Things will be all right, Nasrudin, if you just keep calm."

One motherly type woman waiting for a bus, heard and saw the young father and said to him, "I think you are wonderful the way you are taking care of the baby." Then she leaned over to the baby and said, "Now, don't cry, Nasrudin, everything is going to be all right."

"I don't guess I have anything to complain about," said the mussed up young man, Mulla Nasrudin, as he listened to another mussed up young man describe his ejection from a dance hall. "They treated me all right."

"What do you mean, treated you all right," said the other young man. "They threw you out, didn't they?"

The hay wagon had upset in the road and the young driver, Mulla Nasrudin, was terribly worried about it. A kindhearted farmer told the young fellow to forget his troubles and come in and have some supper with his family. "Then we will straighten up the wagon," the farmer said.

The Mulla said he didn't think his father would like it.

"Oh, don't worry about that," said the farmer. "Everything will be all right."

So Nasrudin stayed for supper. Afterwards he said he felt better and thanked the farmer. "But," he said, "I still don't think my father will like it."

"Forget it," said the farmer. "By the way," he added, "Where is your father?"

Mulla Nasrudin was getting ready to apply to a local department store for a job. A friend told him that it was the policy of the store to hire nobody but Catholic Christians, and that if he wanted a job there, he would have to lie about being a Catholic Christian.

Nasrudin applied for the job and the personnel man asked him the usual questions. Then he said to the Mulla, "And what church do you belong to?"

Mulla Nasrudin was applying for a job. "Does the company pay for my hospitalization?" he asked.

"No, you pay for it," the personnel director said. "We take it out of your salary each month."

"The last place I worked, they paid for it," said the Mulla.

"That's unusual," the personnel man said. "How much vacation did you get?"

"Six weeks," replied the Mulla.

"Did you get a bonus?" the personnel man asked.

"Yes," said the Mulla. "Not only that, they gave us an annual bonus, sent us a turkey on Thanksgiving, gave us the use of a company car and threw a big barbecue for us each year."

"Why did you leave?" asked the personnel director.

Mulla Nasrudin got on a double-decker bus and climbed to the upper deck. A few minutes later, he staggered down the steps, muttering to himself.

"Is anything the matter?" asked the driver.

Mulla Nasrudin and his wife were arguing.

"I was a fool when I married you," said the wife.

Mulla Nasrudin had just checked into the hotel.

"Welcome," said the clerk at the desk. "We want you to know you are welcome. We are going to do everything we can to make you comfortable and help you to feel at home."

The judge was questioning Mulla Nasrudin. "I understand that your wife is scared to death of you," he said.

"That's right, your Honor," said the Mulla.

Mulla Nasrudin reported to the superintendent of the mental hospital and asked: "Have any of your male patients escaped lately?"

"Why do you ask? said the superintendent.

Mulla Nasrudin was chatting with his master who had taken up art.

"When I look at one of your paintings, Sir," he said, "all I can do is stand and wonder."

"Wonder how I do it?" asked the master.

Mulla Nasrudin approached a genteel-appearing, elderly man with his tale of woe and a request for assistance.

The old gentleman refused him, saying, "I am sorry, my friend, I have no money, but I can give you some good advice."

A young man had just passed his examination for his private pilot's license. He wanted to show off and persuaded the Mulla Nasrudin to go up with him.

When they landed, the Mulla said: "Thanks for the two rides."

"What do you mean,two rides, Uncle?" asked the young man. "You had only one."

Mulla Nasrudin was lying beside the wrecked car with a broken leg.

He was being questioned by the highway patrolman.

"Married?" asked the patrolman.

The housewife gave Mulla Nasrudin a sandwich, but asked him, "Haven't you been able to find work?"

"Yes, Lady, there is plenty of work," said the Mulla, "but everybody wants a reference from my last employer."

"Can't you get one?" she asked.

"What in the world happened at the picnic yesterday?" a fellow asked Mulla Nasrudin. "They are saying around the tavern that you acted like a coward."

"Well, I am no fool," the Mulla said. "Some of the girls found a big hornet's nest in the top of a tree and dared me to climb up and get it. And I just didn't do it, that's all."

"Whether you were smart or not," said the friend, "That sort of thing makes you unhonored and unsung around here."

Mulla Nasrudin came up and shook hands with the future bridegroom.

"Congratulations, friend," he said, "on this, one of the happiest days of your life."

"But I am not getting married until tomorrow," said the future bridegroom.

Mulla Nasrudin and his wife were gossiping about the recent wedding scandal.

"Just think," said the wife, "it was just as the bride was coming down the aisle that the groom suddenly turned and ran from the church and skipped town. I guess he lost his nerve."

The election was being challenged by the defeated candidate, Mulla Nasrudin.

"I know it was crooked," said the Mulla. "A FRIEND OF MINE VOTED FOR ME FIFTEEN TIMES IN THE THIRD PRECINCT AND I DIDN'T GET BUT FOUR VOTES THERE."

Mulla Nasrudin was complaining about the slowness of the bus to the driver.

After he couldn't stand the complaining any longer, the driver said, "If you don't like it, why don't you get out and walk?"

The new man in town told Mulla Nasrudin,

"I have come out here to make an honest living."

.Mulla Nasrudin rushed into a bar and said breathlessly, "The usual, please, and hurry, I gotta catch my train."

The bartender set up five martinis in a row and the Mulla gulped the second, third and fourth, leaving the first and last drinks on the bar. Then he rushed out as rapidly as he had entered.

A bystander asked the bartender why the customer left the two drinks.

Mulla Nasrudin was complaining about his wife to a friend.

"I don't know what I am going to do about her," he said. "She has the worst memory in the world."

"You mean she forgets everything?" asked his friend.

Mulla Nasrudin went to see his lawyer about a divorce.

"What grounds do you think you have for a divorce?" the lawyer asked.

"It's my wife's manners," said the Mulla. "She has such bad table manners that she is disgracing the whole family."

"That's bad," the lawyer said. "How long have you been married?"

"Nine years," said the Mulla.

"If you have been able to put up with her table manners for nine years, I can't understand why you want a divorce now," the lawyer said.

Mulla Nasrudin was telling his wife about a dream he had experienced the night before. "It was terrible," he said. "I was at a birthday party at Joe's house. His mother had baked a chocolate cake three feet high, and when she cut it everybody was given a piece that was so large that it hung over the sides of the plate. Then she dipped up some homemade ice cream. She had so much of it that she had to give each one of us our share in a soup bowl."

"What was so terrible about that dream?" asked his wife.

Mulla Nasrudin said to his wife, "My dear, this article says women need more sleep than men."

"Is that right? " she said .

Mulla Nasrudin called on a psychiatrist and told him that he had problems and needed help.

"I want to talk to you," said the Mulla, "because my ethics have not been what they should be and my conscience is bothering me."

"I understand," the psychiatrist said, "and you want me to help you build up a stronger will power, is that it?"

Mulla Nasrudin had lost out in the last election and was feeling sorry for himself.

"I was a victim," he said, "nothing but a victim."

"A victim?, asked a friend. "A victim of what?"

A young playwright gave a special invitation to Mulla Nasrudin to watch his new play. The Mulla came to the play, but slept through the entire performance.

The young playwright was indignant and said, "How could you sleep when you knew how much I wanted your opinion?"

Mulla Nasrudin thought he was going to die with a toothache. He asked his friend, "What can I do to relieve the pain?"

"I will tell you what I do," his friend said. "When I have a toothache, or a pain, I go over to my wife, and she puts her arms around me, and caresses me, and soothes me until finally I forget all about the pain."

A well-known dead-beat caught Mulla Nasrudin on the street one day before the Mulla could duck.

"I am really in a jam and need money," he said to the Mulla," and I have not any idea where I am going to get some."